Category: Heart Matters

…feel so lost,
…feel so sad,
…feel so sick,
…feel so tired,
…feel betrayed,
…don’t know what to do,
…don’t know where I’m heading,
…am clueless,
…am disappointed,
…am fed up with that attitude,
…have never feel so unappreciated and lousy in my entire life,
and this feeling is worst compare to getting the news of my boyfriend’s death in 2005.

SIGH… It’s been more than half year already and I wonder how long can I stand in there, it didn’t get better but it’s getting worst. Will there be next year or any improvement to expect? I have no answer to that.

Lastly, I feel so HOT! The haze is getting worst.

Do you ever felt that you are taken for granted?
Do you ever felt that you are used?
Do you ever felt that you are not appreciated?
Do you ever felt that you are treated like shit?
Do you ever felt that you are not even a friend to your so called friend?
Do you ever felt that you are not important at all?
Do you ever felt that you are nothing to someone?
Do you ever felt that you are only a trouble maker?
Do you ever felt that you are not loved?
Do you ever felt that you are useless?
Do you ever felt that you are not worth even a penny?
Do you ever felt that you are tired of everything?
Do you ever felt that you are going to break down soon?
Do you ever felt that you are seriously in need to escape into somewhere no one knows you?
Do you ever felt that you are not worth living? (NO! This is the last thing in my mind. It’s not worth it to die for the reasons mentioned above. Don’t be stupid!)

Feeling so tired today, no idea why. It’s been very hot these days too. Not going to update much today, just some thoughts. Need to hit the sack soon.

It’s almost the end of June. Half year of 2009 is almost gone. What did you achieve? How’s the first half of 2009? Broken any resolution? Giving up on your resolutions? What’s your plan for the coming half year of 2009? Anyone of you ponder on these?

For me, I do… For the first time in my life I ponder and reflect. First half of 2009 has been tough on me. I felt betrayed and disappointed over and over again. I can see that these are going to haunt me for quite sometimes. I don’t know when will it end. Maybe only after I cut all the ties. The problem is that it cannot be cut unless some other road or way open up for me.

I’ve been on the verge on giving up on and off. Always when things seemed to be going fine this minute, then the next minute everything just crumbled into pieces. It’s tiring especially if you are feeling like this for almost half year.

Thank goodness that I have people that I can really call friends to pull me up when I’m falling. Also not forgetting the special someone that managed to “save” me when I need it, miss you heaps, hoping to hear from you soon.

I know that somebody will be extremely happy reading this as this is what this somebody wants from me all these while ever since from the beginning.

I know some of you will be saying that I shouldn’t let that somebody win by seeing me suffer, I must prove that that somebody is wrong.

Believe me, I tried but due to various circumstances there is no way I can do it. That person has been using my weaknesses to attack me over and over again. I am extremely exhausted. There is no other option for now, I have to hang in there as long as possible until another opportunity comes.

I know some of you will say that I must go out to find the opportunity and not waiting for it to come.

Trust me, I’m working on it and the result is not immediate, it takes whole lot of efforts and time and also the luck and fate. The Chinese has this saying 天时地利人和 (tian shi di li ren he), I really need this for it to work, lacking of one element won’t work. Or in other words, it takes two to tango.

All right. I must stop here now. Time to sleep, my eyes are getting blurry. Good night.

It’s the 6th month of 2009 and 2009 didn’t start out too well for me apart from some lucks in the beginning of the year and that’s it. I haven’t got any in recent months but tonnes and tonnes of uncertainties. It’s getting worst each day. It drains almost everything out of me mentally and emotionally. Some days I am positive but most days I’m very negative. I’m lacking of motivation too.

So sorry to have to let you read this post on the first day of the sixth month of 2009. I’m running out of thing to blog and I got nothing much to do even though I do have things to do because I’m not in the mood to do anything. This is the most boring Gawai I ever had.

Time like this, you wish your darling will be with you. People are crazily spending time like this with their darlings and showing off to people that they have their darlings with them everywhere they go. Yet… You… Just starring in jealousy. That’s why it is better to stay at home and face the 4 walls rather than going out bumping into those couples. I’m bitter! So what! You can’t control me for not being bitter anyway.

Sigh… Believe it or not? I spent my time playing games from 11am+ until now! Along the way, I downloaded some games also. Only these can free my mind from all the negative things and not thinking about anything.

I thought I would be able to be slightly relax after my exam but it’s oh so wrong! It’s even worst. That’s because I could ignore it and concentrate on my exam but now I have no more exam to worry about so the problem is taking up 100% of my concentration. Hate such feeling.

Still… I’m blank. Totally blank. I want to feel angry but I just don’t have the anger in me; I want to cry but I just don’t have the sadness to cry; I want to laugh but I got nothing to laugh about; I’m feeling blank… Never been so blank in my life.

I’ve been posting some emo stuffs in facebook and twitter of late. I’m sure many of you notice it. When I meet up with some people, they would ask me how am I doing in a very concerned tone or some would ask whether I’m OK or not. My answer to them is always the same, “Yeap… I’m fine. Nothing much happening. Just busy.” What kind of answer you want me to give? I can’t possibly said that I’m not fine and then start making you listen to my problems. However, thanks for your concern, at least I know that some people still care unlike some people that don’t even bother whether I’m still alive or dead!

Besides, this problem cannot be shared openly. Let me see… Only 4 people know about it but 3 of them do not have the complete story, each of them only know different part of the story. If these 3 people come together, there will be only 75% of the story. Only one person that knows everything. *wink* How I wish this person can free me from all these agonies.

Anyway, Happy Gawai and happy holiday to all of you.