Category: Heart Matters

I don’t know… I have no idea it’s hatred or disappointment but I guess it doesn’t matter.

I finally made up my mind that I am going to do it and had taken the first step. The hatred or disappointment sucks to max indeed but at the same time it motivated me to just go ahead to do it as there is no point linger with it when people doesn’t even care about my feelings.

Now! What most important is ME! Not them, not him, not her, not you, it’s ME! ME, MYSELF, & I! Geddit!?!? I’m going to be as selfish as I can on my own feelings starting from now on!

I’ve said it… It took me tonnes of courage to pitch the whole thing out.

I sensed the disappointment or negative vibe even though I didn’t say it face to face but online via chat. I know there will be a lot of uncertainties, how about this, how about that and etc. I’m trying to find balance so that it will benefit everyone.

I don’t know what the person will be thinking but I think at least I’ve said it out earlier is better than later. That way we can at least think of ways to continue with things rather than just end everything which will do no good to anyone.

Frankly, I’m worry. I’m worry about where the whole direction will be heading.

I’m sure there’s negative vibe, just need time to digest the whole thing.

At least I’m doing something for myself and think for myself rather than having my decision affected by someone else. That’s what I’ve been doing all these while, quite silly if come to think of it. I’ve let go of one chance after another chance and now that it’s here, I have to hold on to it as there will not be any chance coming anymore. At the same time, I’m quite afraid in taking the step, I’ve been in my comfort zone for God-knows-how-long.

On the other note, I guess it’s fair that now someone is feeling what I’ve been feeling last year and it took me quite a while to adjust and adapt to it else I don’t think that person will ever understand what kind of emotional roller coaster that I had been tru’.

So… What else can I say? I’ve said it out and now it’s time to see what’s the next step should be to create a win-win situation.

I have a dream(not revealing it now until it’s 100% confirmed). I let it go 6 years ago due to financial issue, then missed my chance 1 year later due to certain circumstances.

Last year, I took the leap, ventured into an unknown territory hoping to lay a foundation to my dream and it’s not cheap. During these period of time, there are moments when I felt like I could achieve it and moments when something would discourage me. Nothing else but it’s all money matters. Money oh money…

I was sort of being given the green light just now on the money part by my dad. I’m happy that I can at least be surer of my dream but at the same time I feel restless, worry, uncertain, bad, guilty, and selfish. I cannot achieve my dream with the money I have, even by digging my saving dry, I still can’t even cover 20% of my dream. I still have a brother that needs to continue his studies and a sister that is studying in UK. They also need the money too.

Thing is not happening for now but time will really fly and before you knew it, the time will be here. Early preparations are needed. There are so many arrangements that need to be made. Can’t wait till the last minute.

It’s a dream of mine, a chance that will not be given anymore if I let this one go and a huge decision to make at my age now as it will be a life changing event. At the end, it still boils down to money, nothing else. If there’s enough money, I will not have such mix feelings at all.

I know… Some of you will want to scold or lecture me for giving such burden to my parents when they should be enjoying their life with the money they are making for years and with my age now I shouldn’t be getting a single cent from them. What’s more just to fulfill my own dream. See… I know what you will be saying. So save your lectures on me. If I do not think this way, then do you think I will have such feelings?

Sigh…

I’m really really in d-i-l-e-m-m-a now… Sigh…

After chatting with a friend, I really have to think twice or thrice or even more. I have about 1 year or so but less than 1 year and a half to think about it. Problem is that, time flies like crazy, 1 year will be over in no time!

GOSH! It’s all $$$, $$$, $$$.

If I have that amount of $$$, then it will not be much of a problem. I can do whatever I want and only concentrate on that one thing.

Since I don’t, I don’t really dare to embark on that journey as it will cause problems here and there. Even before starting the journey, an amount of $$$ is already needed to make it possible. There are too many to be considered all because of $$$ issue.

How to make at least 6-figure in one year time? That will solve the problem tremendously! Hahaha…

Better don’t think so much now, concentrate on coming exams. Will see how things are going next year(it’s only less than a month!). Who knows $$$ might fall from the sky by then $_$ I’m nutsss…

Lastly, don’t forget to join the contest ;).