Under the Weather

Feel so under the weather sigh…

I’m feeling very angry. Sad, yes, but more anger than sadness. Why oh why always such things happened to me?

I know I should feel relief that I’m being let go now than later so that I can start my hunt again earlier. It started fast and ended fast too. Still, I’m really pissed. Even though we are still friends, I’m still angry for the fact that I’m being given with false hopes and expectations even though I know it’s not on purpose and in fact I had expected it to happen too. Yes, see how nice and kind I still am even though people had wronged me. All my plans just went down the drain and have to start all over again. Also, because of that, I felt like I’m a football now being kicked from one place to another. Supposed to not worry about anything but now have to worry about my life for the next few months being a nomad and it had became uncertain.

I thought that I’ve finally found the right one, has everything I need, perfect! Too bad, what made it failed was the other party’s heart isn’t completely ready. I know I should move on and let go but I just can’t help it. Time will heal for sure just that it’s not now. The wound is still very raw especially after you had put in all that you have into it.

Some more, it happened when I stopped looking for love. Instantly I agreed with the saying “don’t look for love allow it to find you”. It made me believed there’s true love again but now it made me even more skeptical with such theory.

Also, it taught me that one shouldn’t believe the other person’s promises or commitments to you in the early stage, should wait at least 6 months or so to be proven. For my case, everything changed in just 2 months! How fast is that??!?! Tell me! How to trust again?

Seriously, no one had ever made me feel that I am myself, I don’t have to act, and provide me with all the securities I’ve been looking for. This is the only one who made me feel this way. So you see… It’s really not easy. We both tried hard to make it work but too bad, the other person gave up first.

On the other note, I guess it happened because two of us was way too lonely that time and it progressed just like that until one woke up from the dream realizing that it’s not it. Yet, the other one had progressed to believe that it is something certain. That’s why the latter felt so much hurt.

I’m still angry! Grrr… Angry with myself too for allowing it to happen.

It sucks big time to feel this way. 🙁

I know, in the future, I will look back and laugh about how silly I am now. Then again… Please allow me to be negative for now. It’s just part of the process to get me back on my feet.