Category: Heart Matters

Updating this on my final night in Unilodge Metro Adelaide, my home for the past 1 3/4 year. Starting tomorrow, I will no longer have a place of my own and will be staying temporary at friend’s house in her sister’s room while her sister is away. In March 2013 (my final 2 weeks+ in Adelaide), I need to move again but no idea to where yet.

I’ve been looking forward to this day since months ago but now I’m dreading it! I hate the feelings of not having a place to call home and living like a nomad. I was supposed to move in with him, we had talked and planned about it but now everything just gone down the drain 3 weeks ago. That’s why I ended up like this. Frankly, I’m pretty depressed with it. I guess it’s because I’m in an uncertain situation, living in other’s place and have to be bound by all sort of restrictions. Even space is a problem. Sigh…

Anyway, I should be thankful for her to let me temporarily stay at her place or else I will be in very deep trouble hunting for place to stay in 3 weeks with very tight budget and very short and uncertain rental time (I didn’t prepare the budget for it due to the moving in decision). The place I’m moving in tomorrow is still in the city, it’s very convenient for me, and I don’t have to pay full rent. I think I will feel much relaxed once I’m settled down in the new place. I’m just in the state of uncertain that’s all.

Packing is horrible 🙁 if the unfortunate thing didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be worrying about how to pack my stuffs and where to store them. Now, not only I have to pack and filter but also need to move some stuff to another friend’s house. Worst, I brought so much stuff on my last trip back! Actually, I can always still move to his house but need to rent his empty room. Major problem is that it’s too far away from the city and I don’t have a car, I have no rights to drive his car anymore. Besides, moving in to his place might not be a very good idea too with such situation. At the same time, I felt that he wasn’t quite willing to give me the key even though we had sorted it out on the night we broke up. At the end, I decided to not wait for him for the key and move to this friend’s house in the city after she knew about my situation. In fact, she offered it to me months ago but I told her I’m moving in with him. At the end, I still have to take her offer.

I’ll stop here for now. Good night!

Feel so under the weather sigh…

I’m feeling very angry. Sad, yes, but more anger than sadness. Why oh why always such things happened to me?

I know I should feel relief that I’m being let go now than later so that I can start my hunt again earlier. It started fast and ended fast too. Still, I’m really pissed. Even though we are still friends, I’m still angry for the fact that I’m being given with false hopes and expectations even though I know it’s not on purpose and in fact I had expected it to happen too. Yes, see how nice and kind I still am even though people had wronged me. All my plans just went down the drain and have to start all over again. Also, because of that, I felt like I’m a football now being kicked from one place to another. Supposed to not worry about anything but now have to worry about my life for the next few months being a nomad and it had became uncertain.

I thought that I’ve finally found the right one, has everything I need, perfect! Too bad, what made it failed was the other party’s heart isn’t completely ready. I know I should move on and let go but I just can’t help it. Time will heal for sure just that it’s not now. The wound is still very raw especially after you had put in all that you have into it.

Some more, it happened when I stopped looking for love. Instantly I agreed with the saying “don’t look for love allow it to find you”. It made me believed there’s true love again but now it made me even more skeptical with such theory.

Also, it taught me that one shouldn’t believe the other person’s promises or commitments to you in the early stage, should wait at least 6 months or so to be proven. For my case, everything changed in just 2 months! How fast is that??!?! Tell me! How to trust again?

Seriously, no one had ever made me feel that I am myself, I don’t have to act, and provide me with all the securities I’ve been looking for. This is the only one who made me feel this way. So you see… It’s really not easy. We both tried hard to make it work but too bad, the other person gave up first.

On the other note, I guess it happened because two of us was way too lonely that time and it progressed just like that until one woke up from the dream realizing that it’s not it. Yet, the other one had progressed to believe that it is something certain. That’s why the latter felt so much hurt.

I’m still angry! Grrr… Angry with myself too for allowing it to happen.

It sucks big time to feel this way. 🙁

I know, in the future, I will look back and laugh about how silly I am now. Then again… Please allow me to be negative for now. It’s just part of the process to get me back on my feet.

So, there it is. What thought to be true love and the one is no longer what it was.

End of another chapter, very short but sweet. I appreciate every moment of it.

It hurts but what to do? What’s yours will be yours no matter what.